What If My Child Refuses to See the Other Parent?

Few situations are as distressing for parents as a child refusing contact ordered by the court. You may feel powerless, anxious about breaching the order, and unsure whether the court will understand your predicament. The law in England and Wales is clear: the child’s welfare is paramount, but parents are also expected to do everything reasonable to promote contact. So, what happens when a child simply says “no”?

Are You at Risk of Breaching the Order?

A child’s refusal does not automatically excuse a parent from complying with a contact order. The court expects the resident parent to take all reasonable steps to encourage and facilitate contact. If you simply accept the refusal without evidence of your efforts, you could be found in breach of the order. However, the law recognises that there are situations where a child’s wishes and feelings must be taken seriously—especially as they grow older or if there are genuine welfare concerns.

When Is Refusal Taken Seriously by the Court?

The court will look at the circumstances behind the refusal, not just the fact that it has happened. Key factors include:

• Mature, Consistent Views: If the child is older and can express clear, consistent reasons for refusing contact, the court is more likely to take their wishes into account. The Children Act 1989 requires the court to consider the child’s ascertainable wishes and feelings, in light of their age and understanding.

• Evidence of Distress or Harm: If contact is causing significant distress, anxiety, or emotional harm, the court will want to know. This might be shown through school reports, GP notes, or observations from professionals.

• Absence of Coaching or Pressure: The court is alert to the risk of parental influence. If there is any suggestion that the child’s refusal is the result of coaching, alienation, or pressure from one parent, this will be taken very seriously and could backfire on the influencing parent.

Your Checklist: What Should You Do?

If you find yourself in this situation, it’s vital to show the court that you are acting responsibly and in the child’s best interests. Here are practical steps to take:

• Encourage Contact Without Forcing: Gently encourage your child to attend contact, but avoid threats or emotional blackmail. The court expects you to be positive about the other parent, even if you have your own reservations.

• Offer Shorter or Neutral-Venue Visits: If your child is anxious, suggest shorter visits or meetings in a neutral place. This can help rebuild trust and reduce pressure.

• Document All Efforts in a Contact Diary: Keep a detailed record of every attempt you make to facilitate contact. Note conversations, refusals, and your responses. This diary can be invaluable if the matter returns to court.

• Seek Professional Help Early: If the refusal persists, consider involving a mediator, family therapist, or child psychologist. Their input can help uncover the reasons behind the refusal and demonstrate to the court that you are proactive.

Common Pitfalls and Ambiguities

Many parents worry that any refusal will be seen as their fault. However, the court distinguishes between genuine, child-led reluctance and situations where a parent is not doing enough. Avoid these pitfalls:

• Assuming the Order Is Automatically Suspended: Only the court can vary or suspend a contact order. If you stop contact without a court order, you risk enforcement proceedings.

• Failing to Communicate: Keep the other parent informed about what is happening. If you are unable to facilitate contact, explain why and what steps you are taking.

• Not Seeking Variation: If refusal is persistent and genuine, apply to the court to vary the order rather than simply ceasing contact.

Did You Know?

Courts can and do vary contact orders if genuine refusal persists despite reasonable efforts by the resident parent. The focus is always on the child’s welfare, not punishing parents.

Caira helps you document your efforts and can draft variation applications in seconds, making the process less overwhelming.

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Disclaimer: This blog post provides general information for educational purposes only. It is not legal advice. Outcomes can vary based on your personal circumstances.