Quick answer: Most children live mainly with one parent (often the mother), but spend regular, meaningful time with the other—typically alternate weekends, a midweek overnight or evening, and a roughly equal share of school holidays. There’s no rigid template. UK courts are pro-contact, aiming for children to have strong relationships with both parents. What matters is what works for your child, not what’s convenient for adults.
Let’s be honest: if you’re searching this, you’re probably anxious about what’s “normal.” Maybe you’re worried about being sidelined, or you’re trying to work out what’s fair. The truth? There’s a huge range of arrangements, and what’s “common” is shaped by your child’s age, where you and your ex live, work schedules, and how well you can cooperate.
What Happens in a Child Arrangement Order?
A Child Arrangement Order (CAO) is a court order that sets out:
Who the child lives with (previously called “residence” or “custody”)
When and how the child spends time with the other parent (previously “contact” or “access”)
It’s legally binding. If either parent breaches it without a good reason, the other can ask the court to enforce it.
The process
Before applying for a CAO, you must attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM), unless there are safeguarding concerns like domestic abuse. This is a legal requirement.
If mediation isn’t suitable or doesn’t work, you apply to court (C100 form). The typical steps are:
Application submitted – Pay the court fee and file your application.
Cafcass safeguarding checks – Police and social services are contacted to check for concerns.
First Hearing Dispute Resolution Appointment (FHDRA) – Usually 6–8 weeks after applying. The judge tries to help you reach agreement.
Cafcass report (if needed) – If you can’t agree, Cafcass may investigate and make recommendations.
Further hearings – If needed, the court tries to resolve issues, sometimes with more reports or evidence.
Final hearing – If you still can’t agree, a judge decides.
What the Court Considers
The court’s top priority is your child’s welfare—not what either parent wants. Under the Children Act 1989, judges use a “welfare checklist” that includes:
The child’s physical, emotional, and educational needs
The likely effect of any change in circumstances
The child’s age, background, and any relevant characteristics
Any harm the child has suffered or might suffer
Each parent’s ability to meet the child’s needs
The range of powers available to the court
There’s a presumption that children benefit from having both parents involved in their lives—unless there’s evidence this would put them at risk. But the court will look at practicalities too: how far apart parents live, who can do school runs, work schedules, and the child’s routine. That’s why arrangements often blend elements—like a midweek overnight, alternate weekends, and splitting holidays—rather than being a strict “50/50” or “every other weekend” model.
How Much Is a Child Arrangement Order in the UK?
This is where reality bites for many parents.
The court fee
The application fee is £232. That’s just the start.
If you self-represent
Plenty of parents go to family court without a solicitor. If you do, your costs might be:
Court fee: £232
6 month subscription of Caira by Unwildered: £60
Total: £292
If you use a solicitor
If you want a solicitor to represent you at hearings:
Court fee: £232
Solicitor fees: £3,000–£10,000+ (typically £200–£350 per hour)
Barrister fees (if needed for a final hearing): £1,500–£5,000+
If you go through all three hearings, costs can reach several thousand pounds, especially if there’s a lot of back-and-forth.
The real cost driver: conflict
The difference between £232 and £20,000 isn’t usually about how complicated your case is—it’s about how much you and your ex fight. If you agree early, costs stay low. If you battle through multiple hearings and reports, costs escalate fast.
Legal Aid
Legal aid for private family law cases is very limited. You may qualify if:
There’s evidence of domestic abuse
There’s evidence of child abuse
You’re a victim of trafficking
Otherwise, you’ll need to fund it yourself or self-represent. Most parents in child arrangement disputes don’t qualify for legal aid.
When One Parent Refuses to Co-Parent?
This is one of the most common—and frustrating—situations.
You’re trying to do the right thing: communicate about your child, coordinate routines, share information. And your ex just… won’t.
What “refusing to co-parent” looks like
From real-life stories:
"Communication with my ex is non-existent despite sharing care equally. My two-year-old goes back and forth between homes and I'm completely in the dark about his routine. I only found out about the potty training when my son started asking for the toilet at my house."
"Nine months on and my ex refuses to talk to me at all. Doorstep handovers are silent. Messages about the kids? Nothing. It's like co-parenting with a wall.""
What the court can do
If communication has broken down, a court can order:
Email-only communication – With a set timeframe for replies
A contact book – Travels with the child, recording meals, sleep, and issues
Co-parenting apps – Like OurFamilyWizard, creating a record of all messages
Attendance at a Separated Parents Programme – To help parents understand the impact of conflict and learn to co-parent
How Quickly Can I Get a Child Arrangement Order?
The honest answer: it usually takes longer than you’d like, but it’s often quicker than a fully contested divorce.
Typical timeline
MIAM to application: 1–4 weeks (depends on mediator availability)
Application to first hearing: 6–8 weeks
If Cafcass report is ordered: Add another 12–14 weeks
First hearing to final order: 3–6 months if there’s ongoing dispute
Total for a straightforward case: 3–4 months
Total for a contested case with Cafcass involvement: 6–12 months
Can it be faster?
If there’s an urgent risk to a child (like threats of abduction or immediate harm), the court can make emergency orders within days or even hours. But for standard disagreements about contact, there’s no shortcut—the court needs time for checks, fair hearings, and proper consideration of the child’s welfare.
What Is Reasonable Contact for a Father?
This is a common worry—especially for dads who fear being sidelined, or mums wondering what’s expected.
The starting point
There’s no fixed formula, but a widely-used arrangement is:
Alternate weekends (Friday after school to Sunday evening or Monday morning)
One midweek overnight or evening
Half of all school holidays
Alternating Christmas, Easter, and other special dates
This isn’t a rule—just a common pattern. Some families split holidays 50/50 even if term-time isn’t equal. Others adjust for work shifts, distance from school, or the child’s activities. The court looks at what’s practical and best for the child, not just what’s “fair” for parents.
What to Do When Co-Parent Won’t Communicate
You’ve tried messages, suggested apps, maybe even mediation—and you’re still met with silence or hostility.
Step 1: Document everything
Keep records of:
Messages sent and responses (or lack of)
Missed handovers or important information not shared
Any abusive or threatening communication
This evidence is vital if you need to return to court.
Step 2: Communicate in writing only
Switch to email or a co-parenting app. Keep messages short, factual, and focused on the child. Avoid emotion or accusations.
Step 3: Accept what you can’t control
You can’t force another adult to co-parent. Sometimes, parallel parenting—where each parent manages their own time with minimal contact—is the only workable solution.
Contact by Age: What Courts Typically Order
Arrangements aren’t one-size-fits-all. The child’s age, needs, and routine shape what’s considered reasonable.
Under 2 years old:
Frequent, shorter visits are common—several times a week for a few hours.
Overnights may be introduced gradually, especially if the child hasn’t stayed overnight with that parent before.
If a child is breastfeeding or very attached to one carer, courts are cautious about long separations.
Ages 2–5:
Regular overnights become more common—perhaps one or two per week.
Consistency and routine are important.
If a parent hasn’t had overnights before, courts often order a phased introduction.
School age (5–12):
The “standard” arrangement often applies: alternate weekends, a midweek overnight, and half of holidays.
School structure makes midweek overnights easier.
The court considers the child’s activities, friendships, and commitments.
Teenagers (10–12+)
As children get older, their wishes carry more weight. Courts listen to what teenagers want, especially from around age 12. Rigid schedules often don’t work for teens with busy social lives. Flexibility is key, and sometimes arrangements shift to suit the child’s preferences and independence.
The Real Cost of Fighting Over Children
Financial cost
Contested proceedings can cost £10,000–£30,000 or more per parent. That’s money that could have gone towards your child’s future.
Emotional cost
Children caught in the middle of parental conflict suffer most. Research shows it’s not separation itself that harms children—it’s ongoing conflict. Years in court can damage parent-child relationships and leave lasting scars.
Time cost
Court proceedings can drag on for months or years. By the time you get a final order, your child’s needs and wishes may have changed.
The Alternative: Mediation and Compromise
If you and your ex can sit in a room (or even a Zoom call) and talk things through, mediation can save you time, money, and stress. It doesn’t mean giving in—it means finding a solution that works for your child and avoids the emotional and financial cost of court. Mediators help you focus on your child’s needs, not old arguments.
Negotiation and compromise don’t mean you have to be best friends. It means you’re both willing to put your child’s wellbeing above your own hurt or anger. Even if you can’t agree on everything, settling most issues out of court makes the process smoother and less damaging for everyone.
The Bottom Line
The most common child arrangement in the UK is for children to live mainly with one parent, with regular, meaningful time with the other—often alternate weekends, a midweek overnight, and a roughly equal share of holidays. But “common” isn’t the same as “right for your family.” What matters is what works for your child, given their age, your locations, work schedules, and ability to cooperate.
UK courts are pro-contact. Unless there are genuine safety concerns, they want children to have strong relationships with both parents. If you can agree arrangements yourselves, do it. Use mediation if you need help. Court should be a last resort.
Final Thoughts
Court orders provide a framework, but they can’t force good co-parenting or guarantee perfect communication. The children caught in the middle of parental warfare are the ones who pay the highest price—not in money, but in their sense of security and emotional wellbeing.
Your child needs you to be the adult, even if your ex won’t. Focus on what you can control: your own behaviour, your willingness to compromise, and your commitment to your child’s best interests. That’s what makes the biggest difference in the long run.
Disclaimer: This content is for general information only and does not constitute legal, financial, or tax advice. Outcomes may vary depending on your individual circumstances.
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